Keeping Those Whites Pearly

One of the reasons I was able to keep up the oppressive pace of working and being in school full-time was foregoing certain necessities like rigorous exercise...and going to the dentist. I'm rectifying both of those things today. More on the exercise front tomorrow....

The first thing I did after I finished classes a few weeks ago was make an appointment with the dentist. I had my appointment today and was reminded of why the dentist is so dreaded. It's not just the whole having your mouth open for an hour thing or even the incessant scraping of tartar off of the teeth.

First off, the music is always bad and more noticeably bad than in other places because you try to listen to drown out the sound of the drilling, scraping, and suctioning. I remember hating the music in the dentist's office when I was growing up too. Today I listened to a series of Peruvian renditions of ABBA after what must have been a George Winston CD. Dancing Queen was first, which is how I knew the tune...and I'm pretty sure the rest were ABBA songs as well, but less identifiable for me without the lyrics. I mean, I love ABBA, and I don't mind Peruvian flute music, but put the two together? Um, no. My guess is that the tools of dentistry are so loud that they keep the volume up so that the patients can hear that rather than the scraping and suctioning, but they themselves must not be able to hear how bad it is because surely someone would bring in a mix tape or something. And then, because the workers themselves can't hear the music above the tools, they don't want to invest in XM radio.

And those loud tools are just so bad. Watching that ice pick looking thing scrape away at three years of tartar for what felt like forever was only tolerable because I really REALLY did not want to be at work. If you look away from the pick you are staring straight at that weird overhead light that they use. Every time I go to the doctor it seems like there is some new thing in use, but not so at the dentist! All of the tools -- even the mouthwash cups -- seem to be the exact same as many years ago. I guess I should give it up for better mouthwash flavors because I do remember that those used to be worse. And what's up with the heavy lead apron and biting on plastic for teeth x-rays?  Isn't there a better way to do that nowadays?  I gagged on the woman today from those plastic squares she shoved in my mouth -- whoops.

Finally, the most obnoxious thing about the dentist appointment is the spitting and spraying of stuff while you are in there. I mean, I had to wear construction goggles to make sure teeth stuff didn't fly into my eyes. Then, the assistant put the suction tube in my mouth and just left it there as it tried to inhale my tongue. By the end, when the doctor tells you that everything is cool -- no cavities, etc -- it seems somehow anticlimactic after all of the work leading up to that. I mean, I'm thrilled I don't have cavities...I guess I'm just unclear on why no one has yet developed a home kit for effectively removing tartar (since brushing and flossing apparently aren't enough) so that you don't need to see the dentist unless you have a tooth problem.

Thank you Bill Cosby for knowing our pain!